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Take Your Life More Seriously

by Emily Milling

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1.
Grown Up 04:12
VERSE 1 I’m moving out on my own for the first time Leaving everything I knew behind Mom, I know you’re sad I’m leaving, but I’ll be alright And I’m taking all the toilet paper Mom don’t be sad you know I’ll be back soon And please don’t change a thing in my bedroom Well, it’s still mine, what if I want to move back? Why did you laugh so hard at that? BRIDGE Oh, no I’m bringing all my laundry home My roommates suck and Oh yeah
They are making me clean Also can you clean my toilet? I poured you a glass of wine Mom, you know how much I care CHORUS I am a grownup now Doing it all by myself Yeah I am a grownup now I don’t need anyone’s help VERSE 2 I got a job, I work the checkout line It’s really gross but I can buy my own wine I was hungover so I called in sick Mom, honestly the manager’s a raging dick You always taught me to stand up for myself So I said “buddy, you can go to hell!” That’s why I left my job but I’ll be alright Because I’m moving back home with you tonight BRIDGE Oh, no I didn’t wanna work anymore I quit my job and Oh yeah it’s my decision to make So I’m moving home for a little while I poured you a glass of wine Mom, you know how much I care BRIDGE 2 What do you mean I can’t come home? My savings are gone, I spent it all on shoes Honestly it wasn’t my fault They just kept scheduling me too early in the morning Em Oh oh Mom Oh no. Em Yeah yeah Mom No, no! CHORUS I am a grownup now Doing it all by myself Yeah I am a grownup now I don’t need anyone’s help
2.
Ghosts 03:16
Scared of Ghosts Song Emily: Oh my god this doll is so cute. Jo Anne: It’s definitely haunted. Look at its eyes it’s watching you! Emily: PERFECT. Jo Anne: You’re buying it on purpose? We watched Poltergeist 2 years ago and you still sleep with the lights on! Emily: Great movie! Super scary! Love it! Jo Anne: I don’t understand why you enjoy being scared. Emily milling: Me either but this doll’s coming home with us! VERSE Ohhh I haven’t slept in days now Ohhhh should have left the doll alone Emily: Ahhh! She’s chasing me! Jo Anne: BURN IT! BURN IT! Ohhh the ghost inside screams death howls Jo Anne: She’s looking at us! Don’t move! Emily: But I really need to pee! Oh why do I do this to myself? Jo Anne: RETURN TO HELL, SPIRIT! Emily: Awww I’m going to miss her. I learned my lesson Don’t buy haunted dolls It’s a portal to hell And the door revolves CHORUS I am terrified of ghosts But I just can’t help myself from getting close! I’m surrounded by the dead! Summoning spirits again and again! Jo Anne: Hey check it out, I got a Ouija board! Emily: Why? After everything we went through with the doll? Jo Anne: I dunno, it was on sale! VERSE Emily: I told you we had to say goodbye! Jo Anne: I was going to come back to it later! Ohhh I don’t know what I’ve unleashed! Emily: It was a demon. Jo Anne: You sure it’s not a ghost? Emily: Definitely demons! Ohhhh we speak in many voices Magna industria exemplar pulli Oh why do I do this to myself? Emily: AHH! Sam: Don’t worry, I’m a friendly ghost Emily: Then why does your head keep spinning? BRIDGE It’s just a party trick Nothing to fear Just a bit of slapstick I promise I’ll be nice If you let me in Emily: I don’t trust her! Jo Anne: What’s the harm? She’s got great rhythm! Now one by one to hell you go! I have claimed your immortal souls 
Emily: She tricked me with a dance! Jo Anne: And a hypnotic trance! Emily: Did we just do a rhyme? Jo Anne: Is this really how I die? Sam: Join me my sacrificial lambs! Ohhh I really hate being tortured in hell! Jo Anne: This really sucks! Emily: Oh my god I hate it! Sam: And now you’ll join the wretched damned! E: Nuh uh, we’re going to be ghosts instead! Jo: Yeah! Wait what? Jo Anne: I learned my lesson Don’t buy Ouija boards Emily: They’re full of tricky demons With too many vocal cords CHORUS I am terrified of ghosts But I just can’t help myself from getting close! I’m surrounded by the dead! Summoning spirits again and again! Now we are ghosts Searching for physical bodies and hosts We’re surrounded by the dead Come on, summon our spirits again and again!
3.
SPANX! 01:51
Yo it’s Friday night And it’s time to go out Gonna find a frisky tongue To make our pussies shout I got the six inch heels Gucci purse for my phone But when I put on my dress I got no tummy control Normally I believe Beauty shouldn’t be painful I can fit into this dress Using industrial staples! 
That’s a bit extreme I’ve got a better solution You can fit into that dress Using a spandex illusion 
What? SPANX!
Gonna make that tummy flat? SPANX! You can’t handle my back fat! SPANX! Pull ‘em on with a slap And your thighs go Clap clap clap clap clap Walk into the club like we’re Coca Rocha Stretchy layers on my body For that fat contortion We don’t need to breathe We’ve got seamless shapes We put on tight underwear That we’ll never escape 20 minutes in And support is lackin’ Look across the club Spot a young Bill Paxton 
When I move across the floor I’ve got a horrifying strut ‘Cause these motherfuckin’ Spanx Are riding up my butt! My tights are slippin’ And my posture’s flakin’ Gotta focus on my mission BONING! Love making! Had a couple drinks And now I gotta pee Uhhhhhh 
But that’s the sacrifice we make For looking pretty We’re wearing SPANX! I’m wearing twice the panties, hoes! SPANX! Control top for my extra rolls SPANX! Oh shit, dude these are fucking with my bowels Get them off! Shit! Pull pull pull pull pull! Do you still believe That this makes us pretty Now I’m covered in my own faeces Oh no 
I have a sweaty butt This does not make me feel hot And now I miss my little gut Take off them Spanx! If you’re big if you’re small Fuck Spanx! Give my cellulite a call Fuck Spanx! So let your love handles fall Fuck Spanx fuck Spanx fuck Spanx fuck Spanx fuck Spanx!
4.
Toe 03:05
CHORUS Oh oh ohh I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-ohh Losing all control Oh-oh-ohh! ‘Cause I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh no! VERSE 1 Someone put a wall in the middle of this floor I’m seething It’s fucking with My spacial awareness My toe’s been mauled And I think I’m bleeding OTHER VOICE: That’s just sweat But it’s coming from my toe-pits BRIDGE I’m going to cry My pinky toe’s Gone awry Why look within When I could look without Admitting I’m at fault For walking straight into that wall This stupid wall came out of nowhere! Now it must die! CHORUS Oh oh ohh I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-ohh Losing all control Oh-oh-ohh! ‘Cause I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh no! VERSE 2 *CRASH!* So I punched the wall And a chunk got in my eyeball Why is this wall Out to get me? I’m filled with rage, but I won’t Stay and engage, though I ache I won’t fall for This wall’s trickery! BRIDGE It’s in my eye My pinky toe’s Gone awry But why look within When I could look without Admitting I’m at fault For walking straight into that wall I HATE this stupid wall! Now it must die! CHORUS Oh oh ohh I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-ohh Losing all control Oh-oh-ohh! ‘Cause I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh no! VERSE 3 *BANG!* Hurled myself at the wall With the intent to kill it Led with my elbow That was a mistake! My arm is just a floppy mess Of bones and flesh, so The wall’s goin’ down In a fiery blaze! BRIDGE My house burned down My pinky toe’s Flipped around But why look within When I could look without Admitting I’m at fault For walking straight into that wall I killed that stupid wall to death! BRIDGE 2 THE WALL IS DEAD MY TOE IS DEAD MY ROOMMATE BETH HAS A PILE OF HAM SHE LOOKS REAL MAD SHE’S WEARING PLAID HER HAM’S BEEN SPRAD WITH A DOLLOP OF JAM BRIDGE I’m going to cry ‘Cause my pinky toe’s Gone awry Why look within When I could look without Admitting I’m at fault For walking straight into that wall I am blameless! I am shameless! I HAVE SO MANY REGRETS! CHORUS Oh oh ohh I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-ohh Losing all control Oh-oh-ohh! ‘Cause I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh no! CHORUS Oh oh ohh I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-ohh Losing all control Oh-oh-ohh! ‘Cause I stubbed my Toe-oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh no!
5.
Plants 02:52
CHORUS Hanging out alone, typical Friday night Lost my job ‘cause I started a breakdance fight Feeling lost and confused, only myself to blame But then a plant says, girl, your luck’s about to change This tiny cactus with a pink thing on top Is about to be murdered by the owner of the shop So I throw down the only money I have left And save this succulent from certain death CHORUS For the first time I did something right Figured out my life ‘Cause my plants are not dead! VERSE On a date tonight with a super sexy guy Things are getting hot sparks flyin’ out of my eyes Moving to my bed, that’s when I start to freak The plants attracted ants and worms into the sheets His eyes, turn from passion to revolt He jumps out the window, landing flat on the road In my despair, I look to the windowsill And see all the plants, that I have not killed BRIDGE A man died When he saw my dirty sheets And my apartment Is now a crime scene
But I want joy, Even if it comes with ants! Better believe it, buddy boy, I’M BUYING MORE PLANTS! CHORUS For the first time I did something right Figured out my life ‘Cause my plants are not dead! For the first time I did something right Figured out my life ‘Cause my plants are not dead!
6.
VERSE 1 I don’t know what I did To make you leave me You called me warm and dreamy Once before I was like your second skin! Protecting you from windy weather! Felt you shake and shiver But no more! And now my arm holes hang here All limp and empty But I can still feel your body Moving softly inside me But you don’t see me The way you did before You said goodbye When you closed the closet door! CHORUS We hang here waiting for you want to keep you warm ‘cause that’s what we do! Come inside save you from harm we took a blood oath to protect you VERSE 2 I can change To make you love me Unzip my fleece inner lining And you’d see My seams are frayed And my armpits torn out The holes in my belt loop Are so strained But you pushed me away To the back of the closet Like this cheque from your grandma I’m just lost and forgotten But we don’t forget and we don’t let go No, no... CHORUS We hang here waiting for you Just slip inside It’s better if you’re nude! Come on baby, let’s ride! I feel so used... BRIDGE Just let me be on your body! Let me be on your body! Let me be on your body! Let me be on your body!
7.
Committed 03:18
VERSE 1 I’m in a long term Committed relationship It’s the kind I don’t want to mess up ‘Cause it’s a super love partnership I’m serious It’s totally amazing! The kind of love you Never see in real life! But I’m afraid that I’m gonna mess it up somehow Because of what happens At night! BRIDGE I am So committed But there’s one thing That I can’t shake In my dreams All I see Are my celebrity crushes In line to fuck me And I feel so guilty CHORUS I know that It’s just a dream But when Paul Rudd asked me out I lied about having a boyfriend It’s not that bad But my dream self consented to A lot of sexy stuff with Seth Rogen And I should share That my subconscious was A willing participant in a foursome With the Lonely Island And I also Made out with the guys From Detroiters While Scott Aukerman directed VERSE 2 I’m a little embarrassed That I told you all of that But I feel it’s important to share And in real life I’d never be asked But anyway that really doesn’t matter Because I am committed to someone else A guy I find exceptionally dapper Who’s also wearing many long fur pelts (Oh shit I’m asleep again) BRIDGE I am So committed That I need to invent a reason
Why my guy Isn’t with me Like, aliens took him to another dimension! CHORUS I sat Very close to Randall Park While watching a solo Sex tape of Eric Andre (What does that mean?) I held hands With Austin Powers At a tree planting volunteer event Set up by Happy Gilmore (Yeah baby!) I don’t Know why it aroused me but Beetlejuice was surfing naked In a sea of mustard (It’s showtime!) Also I’m Concerned that Buddy The Elf Made an appearance While I mouth kissed Ron Burgundy (Stay classy!) They’re all back In a line now They say I have to choose But all their body parts are mixed up I have So much guilt But at the same time I’m finding these frankensteined Celebrities super sexy Oh! Look! There’s my boyfriend He’s nodding in approval From the afterlife or something It’s Or-gy time! This is the best dream I’ve ever had!
8.
Confession 04:04
Verse 1 How do I know when the time is right To tell you Something dark inside of me needs the light It’s gonna break through Gonna make my confession tonight No more secrets no more lies This is the moment but I’m scared Bridge It wasn’t your mom that farted in the car I know what I said, but I lied to your face While I silently ripped through the hot leather seats Said I was too cold to roll the windows down Ohhh! Chorus And I understand if you hate me now There’s no going back, oh, ohhhh It was a meaty assault to your nose Burned your eyes The tears came streaming down Verse 2 How do I know when the time is right To tell you Hiding in my shell, frozen in the headlights I will see this through Gonna make my confession tonight No more secrets no more lies! This is the moment but I’m scared Bridge It wasn’t your niece that killed your turtle I know what I said but I lied to your face I may have run over it when I took it for a walk I got distracted and mowed the lawn Ohhh! Chorus And I understand if you hate me now There’s no going back oh, ohhh And untimely and gruesome demise For your pet The tears came streaming down Bridge 2 Gonna make my confession tonight Gonna make my confession tonight No more secrets no more lies No more secrets no more lies Verse 3 I spilled beer all over your xbox twice I wore your hat but didn’t know I had lice I sneezed on your pizza, the one you thought tasted neat Used your cheese grater to scrape calluses off my feet Ohhh! Chorus And I understand if you hate me now There’s no going back oh, ohhh Caught up in my web of lies and regret I forgot to say that I plugged the toilet And I understand if you hate me now There’s no going back oh, ohhh Wish that I could change everything but I can’t So… Oh! Oh ooohhh Oh oooh Oh ooh Oh ooh!
9.
Pizza Party 03:55
VERSE 1 Tonight is the night Everything comes alive Gonna party so right When my best friends arrive Tonight Party at my place (This party’s gonna be the best Putting all my friendships to the test) Come hungry, I’m giving you a taste (My hopes are very high I expect these friendships will never die) Best pizza In the city (Only the best for my friends Who are my very best of friends) You can’t bail You all said you were free (Wait, are you fucking kidding me?) BRIDGE And I know I shouldn’t eat it all Alone (So much pizza) But ohhh Tonight I’m riding Solo! CHORUS I am eating All the pizza! Gimmie hot cheese in my mouth I want it I am eating All the pizza! Yeah, gimmie hot cheese in my mouth I want it VERSE 2 Large pizza for one Thought this night would be fun But my friends are a bunch of dicks Who instigated pizza conflict I even got fancy napkins To catch the pizza crumbs in And just when I think I’m done I eat another slice Bite down You know I like it real thick (Talkin’ ‘bout the crust And definitely not our tenuous friendships) Can’t get enough It’s mathematic (I calculated carefully exactly enough) Pizza Would never not attend! (I sent a calendar invite If you weren’t going to come, you should have declined) Pizza is my only friend! (I hear how sad that sounds, ugh) BRIDGE And I know I shouldn’t eat it all Alone (So much pizza) But ohhh Tonight I’m riding Solo! CHORUS I am eating All the pizza! Gimmie hot cheese in my mouth I want it I am eating All the pizza! Yeah, gimmie hot cheese in my mouth I want it VERSE 3 Now I’m ordering more Delivery to my door Calories are a scam I topped this one with ham It was actually for my friends ‘Cause I’m a vegetarian But now I guess I eat meat ‘Cause I’m eating all this pizza I’m burnin’ up The roof of my mouth (Should have waited longer For this hot hot pie to cool on down) I am the pizza king Of my town (I’d invite you to compete But our friendship is now obsolete) I won’t regret this Tomorrow
(My stomach has trained And my love for pizza has never waned) But you will, and probably Be sorrow (I mean sorry. You’ll be sorry. I have to fart.) BRIDGE And I know I shouldn’t eat it all Alone (So much pizza) But ohhh Tonight I’m riding Solo! CHORUS I am eating All the pizza! Gimmie hot cheese in my mouth I want it I am eating All the pizza! Yeah, gimmie hot cheese in my mouth I want it I am eating All the pizza! Because you were too good For my pizza party I am eating All the pizza! Yeah, gimmie hot cheese in my mouth I want it
10.
VERSE 1 She sat alone Staring at four walls Playing on her phone Ignoring the dust balls Eventually She got up to use the bathroom And finally She remembered to get out the broom CHORUS Ohohoh! It’s not like she used it But at least she got out the broom Ohohohoh! It just goes to show That anything is possible We are We are Attempting to be responsible
We are We are Making mental notes of stuff we need to do VERSE 2 Finished the jam The jar sits empty The garbage can So close and friendly but, That’s not the place For recyclable containers Don’t want to waste, She just put the jar back in the fridge CHORUS Ohohohoh Not exactly the goal But at least it’s not in the garbage Ohohohoh It just goes to show That anything is possible We are We are Attempting to be responsible We are We are Doing the bare minimum to get by VERSE 3 She bought a plant Had the best of intentions She killed the plant Waterlogged intervention It made her sad But then she realized that Plants can drown But at least she gave it a try CHORUS Ohohohoh I mean it’s pretty straightforward But I guess plants are hard for some people Ohohohoh It just goes to show That anything is possible! BRIDGE Put away the dishes after they’re clean Limit your intake of caffeine Open the mail when it arrives Do what it takes to barely survive Acknowledge your part in capitalism Force yourself til the work is done Everybody lives and everybody dies Try your best to avoid pink-eye CHORUS Ohohohoh Not all lessons are meant to be Learned by everyone Ohohohohoh And it just goes to show That anything is possible!

about

Take Your Life More Seriously is my debut comedy pop album, full of all the reasons why you should be WAY more serious about your life choices.

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released August 31, 2022

Music + Lyrics by Emily Milling

Featuring:
Cindy Milling
Jo Anne Tacorda
Julia Jones
Alicia Carrick
Sam Sexton
Paul Phillips
Dan Milling

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Emily Milling Toronto, Ontario

Emily Milling is a composer and producer from Toronto. She has composed two film scores and loves writing folk tunes about monsters. Impossible Horror is her second soundtrack.

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